How about a joke thread?

That's hilarious! I'm telling that one for sure.

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your mother?'

'No teacher,' the boy said, 'She works for the DEMOCRATIC National Committee and is helping to get BARACK OBAMA to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

nice butt

WHY CONDOMS COME IN PACKS OF 3, 6 & 12...... A man walks into a Chemist store
> with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy
> asks, 'What are these, Dad?
> To which the man matter-of-fact replies ,'Those are called condoms,son. Men use
> them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard
> of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a
> package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
> 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for
> Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these
> for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for
> Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?'
> he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad
> replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
> March.......'

Nursing Home Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,

'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his

manhood and proceeds to hold it.


Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.


Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by

the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear,
'Have you ever been screwed?'
The fellow looked up in amazement and a smile on his face and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

The smaller crocodile turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em by the leg, shake the *censored* out of 'em & eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the *censored* out of a politician, there's nothing left but an *censored* and a briefcase.'

:):)

Moving to Nevada

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada.. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do
for you for free.

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going,
he replies...I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Inner City Math Test


Inner city schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time!

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________

1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shootin. How many drive-by shootins can Ramon hit before he reloads?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his ••••?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Desmond get $2,000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1,000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $9,000 bills?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his baby's momma spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be s prayed with 3-8 oz. can of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and the cost be $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one-week income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how much away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

11. Shaniqua has 4 babies and one on the way. If the Welfare people come and take 3 BUT give 1 back, how many Babies does Shaniqua have left.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

EXTRA TICKETS

I have 6 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event
next weekend if anybody wants them free.

He's going to try to jump 5000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

Let me know.