How about a joke thread?

'After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Barrack Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when elected.'

So, Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send Barrack Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean .

Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden .

Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.

Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it.

And within a minute the McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply: 'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down'.

Borrowed this from Horace's post:

http://www.barelypolitical.com/ward-roo ... M_20080515

Pet Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and
eats
them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard
balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow
swallows
it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just
did?'

'No, what?'

'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything
in
sight, the little bum. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats
it. Then
the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out,
and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

'No, what?' replied the man.

'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it
out, and ate it!' said the bartender.

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,
he measures everything first.

Banned from Walmart


This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

The helicopter pilot and the game warden were in communication via radio's......... here is a transcript of their conversation.



'Air1 have you a visual on the gator, over'



'Approaching inlet now, over'



'Roger Air1'



'Gator sighted.. Looks like it has a small animal in its mouth.. moving in, over'



'Roger Air1'



'Holy Crap it's a Deer!'



'confirm Air1.. did you say Deer?, Over'



'Roger.. a Deer in its mouth.. looks like a full sized buck.. that's a big gator, were gonna need more men, Over'



'Roger Air1..can you give me a idea on size of animal, over'



'Its big, 25 feet at least, please advise Gator is heading to inlet.. do I pursue?, over' This alligator was found between Centre and Leesburg , Alabama near a house! Game wardens were forced to shoot the alligator

- guess he wouldn't cooperate...

Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Their neighbo rs had been telling them that they had seen a mammoth alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations.

'I didn't believe it,' Charles Rogers said, but they realized the stories were, if anything, understated.

Alabama Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, 6'5' tall, a game warden, walks past the 28-foot, 1-inch alligator (
8.5 metres)
he shot and killed in their back yard.
Shame they had to kill him.

Won't let me post a 38.7 KB pic of the gator hanging from a backhoe.

No Speakah De English...


A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!!

Gotta say with a Mexican accent like Cheech Marin


MEXICAN WORDS FOR THE DAY

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how
to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where
I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she
got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me!
Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken
go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry
wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her
honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so
ugly?

A man is hitchhiking in the English countryside and gets picked up by a distinguished gentleman in a Rolls Royce.
He compliments the driver on the expensive luxury car and says:

"Howdya ever afford such a pricey automobile?!"

The driver replies, "I'm a ship's captain, I work for Cunard."

"Well I work fu***** hard, too, but I kan't afford a car like this!"

A ninety year old man gets lucky at the assisted care home and finds a ninety year old sweetheart. After a brief courtship they end up in his room.
They are lying naked on his bed when he gets up and starts fumbling around in the top drawer of his dresser.

"What are you looking for, dear?"

"I'm looking for protection!"

"Oh, you don't need that, dear, I have a clean bill of health, and I went throught the change of life fifty years ago!"

"Yes, yes, I know, but the dampness hurts my arthritis."

but the dampness hurts my arthritis

Now that's FUNNY!!!

NEWS!

JAN27,2008 (AP)

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
>
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the *censored* out of him.

The other day a friend of mine was telling me about a fight he was having with his wife....
He was very angry & couldn't understand why his wife had reacted so badly to a simple mixing up of words he had spoken at breakfast that morning???

I asked him to explain....What had he said?

He said: "You stinking old Bi__h........You've ruined my damned life!!"

I said I can understand her anger at those words....

He explained that it just came out wrong.........What he meant to say was "Pass the salt"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the hugesoft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma MosesPrint... So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white *censored* fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the *censored* is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight- Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's a frick'n idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me...Why am I tied to the bed?

A Steeler
fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man

comes down and
asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.



"No",
he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is
incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl,
the biggest sport event in the world, and not use
it?"



Somberly, the man
says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I

was suppose to
come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the

first Super Bowl
we have not been together since we got married in 1967."



"Oh I'm
sorry to he ar that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find

some one else - a friend or relative or even a
neighbor to take the seat?"





The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the
funeral."