How about a joke thread?

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't
been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted
to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men still think fast....

A boy comes walking down the road passing by an elderly gentleman sitting on his porch.
The man notices the boy has something in his hand and inquires about it.

"It duck tape, I'm gonna get me some ducks" The old man laughs at the boy and scolds him on what silly idea it is.

The boy walks by on his way back....with a armful of ducks all wrapped up. The old guy cannot believe his eyes.

The next week the boy comes walking by again.
"What you got there in your hand today? " The guy yells from his porch.

"Chicken wire, I'm gonna get me some chickens"
The old guy just sneers at the boy, and laughs at him...albiet a little nervous this time.

An hour later the boy returns. Sure enough with an armful of Chickens.
The old guy cannot believe this is happening.

The next week the boy comes walking by again. The old guy can't help
himself and yells from his porch. "What you got there this time?"

The boy lifts his arm up and shows the man a stick he's got. " I got me some *censored* willow"

The old guy jumps up from his seat and hollers out to the kid..."Hold on there son, let me get my coat!"

lmao

you have to love those Marines. stand with our troops or stand in front.

funny pics

couple more

I have got to get that RN Wheel chair for my Father

Pilot Gripe Sheet

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France
on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day
in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen
to show it to."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

School 1967 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called; SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Those would would be really funny if they weren't all TRUE. Sheesh! What A screwed up mess this country has become.

Fully agree Kirk...but we can only blame ourselves...I still find it funny though.

The aspirin thing almost happened to my wife and I when we lived in Va Beach. Sent our daughter off one day to middle school, with a head ache, and gave her some tylenol in a bag to take to the nurse...along with a note!!! The nurse called my wife at work and said the school has every right to expell my daughter for bringing tylenol in. Holy crap I was mad!!Punish a kid for a parents mistake...idiots!

ANYWAY...we all have "pet peeves" well come to find out, dogs have peeves too!!!

All you dog owners out there...give your best friend a break!!!

Top 10 DOG PEEVES
'1' Blaming your farts on me.. ... not funny... not funny at all !!!
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'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
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'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
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'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
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'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
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'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

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'7' Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
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'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
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'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? (I agree with the dog...what the heck is up with pet sweaters???)
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'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the
White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on
a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said,
'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine replied,
'Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,
'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton'.

The Marine again told the man,
'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying
'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you
already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered,
'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
'SEE YOU TOMORROW!!'

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loudly enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with color television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and ....." pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding