How about a joke thread?

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says," I can't serve you". Mushroom replies."But I'm a funguy"!

Two satellite dishes were dating for a while. They finally get married. The wedding was good but the RECEPTION was great!

cute

With in the RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.

IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSELY FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS
THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN
QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE EASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.



WHAT AM I???????

















AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER !
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........















TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you
thinking?
You PERVERT!

Here is one for Coal Len, the Browns fan that he is.

A man walks into a bar in Cleveland with his small dog. The Browns were playing the Steelers on TV, the man asks the bartender "do you mind if me and my dog watch the game?" The bartender says "as long as the dog behaves himself its fine with me" The game goes on for awhile and just before halftime the Browns kick a fieldgoal the dog jumps up on top of the bar and does backflips down the bar and high fives to everone sitting at the bar on the way back to his seat. The bartender says "man, that is the craziest thing I have ever seen, what does he do when the Browns score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know, I have only had him for 3-years".

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive.

But there were no discounts.

The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.

After th eir session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' Ontario .'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Cap wrote:Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says," I can't serve you". Mushroom replies."But I'm a funguy"!

Sparkplug walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says 'Ok but don't start anything"

Guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says "Hey bartender, give me a drink and one for the road"

A Priest a Rabi and a Nun walk into a bar and the bartender says "what's this some kind of joke?"

Edna and Mable had been friends all their life. When they were young they lived on the same block and went to the same school. When they were about 20 they both got married, each being the bridesmaid at the others wedding. Once their husbands returned form the war they moved into the same neighborhood on the same cul d sac and raised their families. After their husbands passed they both moved into the same Senior Housing complex where they lived 2 doors apart.
One afternoon they were playing Bridge in the community room when Mable put her cards down and said "Honey I'm sorry but I just can't seem to remember your name today." Edna gave her an evil glance over the top of her bi-focals and looked at her hand of cards. A moment later she looked over the top of her cards with a scowl on her face and then looked quickly back at her cards. Finally she put her cards on the table and with a big sigh said in a disgusted tone "Well how soon do you have to know?"

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the

freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner

where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned

calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes

until you die of old age.



SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation

of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up

jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.

It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you

attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing

race.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to

launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you

have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of

the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or

for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;

but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering Your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object

we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next

tool that you will need

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: "Why the long face?"

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ....






A Misdewiener!

It's time to patch up the post election rift between political parties....

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party and Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that. The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska , the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will chauffeur them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.


What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

Penguin drives his car down to the garage to have it cheched out. The mechanic says it'll take little while to check it out. Penguin walks across the street to get an ice cream just to kill a little time while he was waiting. Sat down to enjoy his ice cream but because he had no hands he got the ice cream all over his peak. When he finished walked back to the garage to check on his car. Mechanic says, well it looks like you blew a seal. No the penguin replied it's just a little ice cream.

Not that I see the humor.....but I'm sure some will!


Subject: Hinckley to be released-McCain writes letter

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend:



To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain


PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. Just thought you should know.

A guy is hunting with his buddy. He scans the landscape with his rifle scope and happens to see into his buddy's bedroom window hundreds of yards away. He reluctantly says, "Oh, man, I'm sorry, I just saw your wife with the mailman naked in your bedroom. What should I do?"
His buddy says, "Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts!"
He replies:
"Oh, I can get that with one shot."