How about a joke thread?

A blond was riding a horse one beautiful fall day, having a fabulous time. But as she was riding, tragedy struck! Her right foot slipped out of the stirrup and she slowly but surely began to slip sideways off the horse. She fought to stay upright for some time, calling out for help, but to no avail. Her head began to hit the ground... again and again... and just as she was drifting into unconsciousness, the Walmart manager ran out and unplugged the machine!

This fellas, is by far my favorite blond joke!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did ! I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,”Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the
> Olympic Gold medal.
>
> Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and
> said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
> He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
> Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
> you're finished"; the Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.
> As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other
> several times, looking for an opening.
>
> All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and
> wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment
> arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for
> he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
>
> Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
> trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up
> in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander
> collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
>
> The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, He
> asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
> before!"
>
> The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
> that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
> of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with
> my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
> just as hard as I could."
> So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
>
> Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
> nuts.

I thought today would be a good day for this one.


While walking down the street one day a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind, I want to be in heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy to see him. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the public.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who it turns out is really a very friendly guy. They are all having such a great time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you have spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers. "Well, I would never have said it before but I think I would be better off in hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and drank champagne. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

A doctor had an affair with an Italian speaking young woman. After a short while , she became pregnant.

When she told the older doctor he became flustered, being married and all. They decided that to keep things quiet , she would go back to Italy and give birth.

The young woman was worried that she would't be able to tell the doctor when the event had transpired,so to relieve her anxiety the doctor told her to send a postcard with the word spagetti. She reluctantly agreed and went back to Italy.

A period of time went by, and the doctor gets a call from his wife explaining that he has a post card from Italy.When he gets home later in the day he reads the post card, immediately groans and dies of a massive heart attack.

Later while she was talking to the police she explains that she didn't know why the postcard would upset her dead husband, it only said " spagetti, spagetti, spagetti, spagetti. Two orders with sausage and meatballs, two orders without".

Three doctors were bragging up their surgical prowness. The first doctor says " I had this patient, her face was ripped off in a car accident. After three procedures she won the miss NEPA beauty pagent". The second doctor says" Thats nothing. I had this young man whose leg was amputated in a mining accident. Found a new leg and after many surgeries and therapy has placed 4th in the Boston marathon". The third doctor spoke simply, " I have created something out of hardly anything at all. I took a tuft of bonde hair, an ###hole, and look,,,, now she's running for president".

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

The proper use of the F____ word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the F-word. However, there have been ten times in history where the "F" word has been acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999


And Number 1 . . . drum roll please . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." -Saddam Hussein, 2003

Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.

When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's right ear and his left hand on the top of his head and prays awhile. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more.

After a few minutes the preacher removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it ain't till next Wednesday."

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


Symptom:Feet cold and wet
Cause:Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Symptom:Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper Bladder Control
Solution:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Symptom:Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause: a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Solution: Have yourself leashed to the bar

Symptom:Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Solution: See above

Symptom:Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Cause:a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Solution: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror

Symptom:Floor Blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom:Floor moving
Cause:You are being carried out
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Solution: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack
to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Solution: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Symptom:Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Cause: You are dancing on the table
Solution: Fall on someone cushy-looking

Symptom:Beer is crystal-clear
Cause:It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Solution: Punch him

Symptom:People are standing around urinals, talking
Cause:You're NOT in the ladies' room
Solution: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down
the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)

Symptom:Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Cause: You have been in a fight
Solution: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Symptom:Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Cause:You've wandered into the wrong party
Solution: See if they have free beer

Symptom: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting
steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
Cause:a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Solution: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new
roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

Symptom:You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing
leather chaps
Cause: You're in a gay bar
Solution: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept
offers for backrubs

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Solution:Have more beer until your voice improves

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause:Beer is just right
Solution: Play air guitar

Not really a joke, but funny none the less.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nxd2SeHemUg

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands
> behind the back of her head.
>
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became concernedand walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked
> her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
> the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for
> over an hour.
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of
> dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to
> find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
> She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her
> brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
> _________________________________________________________________