How about a joke thread?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."



The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"



"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.



"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.



He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.



The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."



Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"



The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up.

Doooooooooooooon't Do It!!

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.



To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk,
took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good!



Then the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge,

took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the
Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'



The Government Employee called his big fat cat and said,
'Coffee Break, do your stuff..'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......




ate the cookies..... ..
drank the milk.........
crapped on the paper.......



screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......


filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......


put in for Workers' Compensation. .......... ........and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.




AND THAT, MY FRIEND,

IS WHY HEALTHCARE SHOULD NOT BE RUN BY
THE GOVERNMENT!!

Super Bowl


A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.



"No," he says, "The seat is empty."



"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not
use it?"



He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my
wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super
bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."



"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".



The man shakes his head.



"No,
they're all at the funeral."

This is not a joke-- it is the most serious risk to your health since the 1918 flu epidemic.







Gonorrhea Lectim


The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim..And pronounced "gonna re-elect ‘em."

Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the
past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this
destructive disease has become since it is easily cured....by voting
out all incumbents!

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

"Would you like a drink?

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. What's next?



When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes. "Would you like to play around?"

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..."he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,"… You've built a Golf Course?"

Looking for Work


An Israeli doctor says 'medicine in my country is
so advanced that we can take a kidney out of
one man and put it in another,
and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'that is
nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says 'in my country, medicine
is so advanced that we can take half
a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two
weeks.'

An Illinois doctor, not to
be outdone, says 'you guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brains out of
Illinois , put him
in the White House
for eight months, and now half the of
the United States is looking
for work..'

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Do you know why it's so cold?














Because almost every white person for 200+ years said,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before a black man becomes President."

Not sure if this has been posted here or not, but it's a great joke!


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

A guy traveling through Mexico
> on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.
> Cutting
> his trip
> short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
> the
> U.S. Customs
> Agent at the border.
> "May I see your identification, please?" asked
> the agent.
> "I'm sorry, but I lost
> my wallet," replied the guy..
> "Sure buddy, I hear that
> every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
> "But I can prove I'm an American!" he
> exclaimed. "I have a
> picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt
> and
> George Bush on the
> other." "This I gotta see," replied the
> agent.
> With that, the guy dropped
> his pants and showed the agent his
> behind.
>
>
>
>
> "By golly,
> you're
> right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe
> trip back to Chicago ."
> "Thanks!" he said.
> "But how did you know I was from Chicago
> ?"
> The agent replied, "I
> recognized Obama in the
> middle."
>

Old Guys...

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. Check out how this old guy handles it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!