How about a joke thread?

A Train Ride....

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.


The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him..


The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.


Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the cou nter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government isconducting business today.

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:





"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter





"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,



"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

Two old men meet in the barber shop the one man said yesterday was my birthday my wife got me a suv. The other man asked what’s suv stand for socks underwear and Viagra.

Short and sweet!!

Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton are out to sea on a sinking liner.

Who gets saved??????

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Answer: The American People

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas

Drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

> Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
> A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman
>

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up acase of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 5, we have a husband down.'

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.

>
> Subject: Truths and Engineers
>
>
>
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take One
> ****************************************
> Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
> "Where did you get such a great bike?"
> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
> minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
> threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
> what
> you want."
> The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
> probably
> wouldn't have fit."
> =============================
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> **************************************
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
> half-empty.
> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
> =========================================
> Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
> ****************************************
> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> particularly slow group of golfers.
> The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
> for 15 minutes!"
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
> ineptitude!"
> The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
> With him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
> Rather slow, aren't they?"
> The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
> firefighters.
> They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
> always let them play for free anytime.
> The group was silent for a moment.
> The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
> them tonight."
> The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
> buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
> =======================================
> Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
> ****************************************
> There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
> mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
> happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding
> a
> seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
> multimillion-dollar
> machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
> to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
> engineer
> who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
> The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
> huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
> particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
> problem is".
> The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
> received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
> demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded
> briefly:
> One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999
> It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
> ====================================
> Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
> ****************************************
> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
>
> Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
> =========================================
> Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
> ****************************************
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
> that?"
> =========================================
> Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
> ******************************************
> "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
> yet."
> =================================
> Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
> ************************************
> An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
> better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
> enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
> relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
> of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
> both."
> "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
> each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
> the
> lab and get some work done."
> =======================================
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
> ****************************************
> An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
> and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
> up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
> princess, I will stay with you for one week."
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
> it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
> back
> into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
> his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
> I'm a
> beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
> want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I
> don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
>
>

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story:

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

A fat, sloppy man staggered onto the train and sat down near a priest. He smelled strongly of sweat and whisky and cheap perfume, and there was lipstick smeared on his face and his shirt collar. He read his newspaper for a few minutes, muttering to himself. Then he said to the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest snapped, "Arthritis is caused by poor hygiene, gluttony, drinking whisky, and sleeping with whores."
The drunk looked surprised, but he thanked the priest and went back to his newspaper.
The priest felt guilty after a minute, and he said, "I'm sorry I spoke so harshly, my son. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have arthritis," said the drunk. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

An engineer is sentenced to death for building a faulty bridge in his mystical kingdom. The method of execution is the guillotine. He refuses the black hood and courageously demands to be placed face-up on the device, he wants to see it coming. The executioner pulls the release cord, and the blade fails to fall. The engineer exclaims, "I think I see the problem."

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"