How about a joke thread?

The Decision


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that
she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'



St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'


'Where's President Obama’s clock?' asked the man.


Obama’s clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan

You got that right!!!!!

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your xass year-round.

OUTSTANDING Cap----

Love it

Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam:

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

A new, updated, Dr. Seuss ......

I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker, Nan,
I do not like this 'YES WE CAN.'
I do not like this spending spree,
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it, nope, nope, nope !!!!

Im sure we've all been there before...

Been there, done that.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)