How about a joke thread?

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which ones the hooker?? The one that says Idaho............

How do you make a hormone??? don't pay her

How do you sterilize urine ? Boil the npiss out of it.

Good one,,,,

>
> FARM KID in the ARMY
>
>
> Dear Ma and Pa,
>
>
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
> Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
> before all of the places are filled.
>
>
> I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6
> a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you
> do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
> slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
> nothing.
>
>
> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
> Breakfast
> is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but
> kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
> regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
> boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon
> when
> you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
>
>
> We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long
> walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
> different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
> Then
> the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
>
>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain
> is
> like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
> They don't bother you none.
>
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
> medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big
> as a
> chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
> Higgett
> boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
> You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes..
>
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
> to
> wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
> real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
> about
> the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
> Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
> only
> 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
>
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
> fellers
> get onto this setup and come stampeding in.




>
>
>
>
> Your loving daughter ,
>
> Alice

TSA Stickers...It was inevitable.

Brave or Stupid-----You Decide

The Healing Touch of Christ
============================

Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked
across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy
asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I
took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?"

"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's
back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The
second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time
reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his
eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed
them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes
cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands
up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term
disability."

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Senior Citizens Texting abbreviations
ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My - Sorry, Gas.
ROTFL: CGGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
WMDP: Where's My Damn Phone?
GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Rick 386 wrote:HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

ROTFL: CGGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

Not sure if this has already been posted, but it speaks for itself.

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cute glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the
water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?'
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's, niece's hairdresser's, neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew.

Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in Lancaster Co., Pa. on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a 22 mag.

Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers and six Jehovah's Witness in the last two weeks alone.

They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It had also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.

This has been checked on Snopes where it was confirmed. Honest!!!

Since no one other than Freetown Fred would watch on fsc. I have to post it here!