How about a joke thread?

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child's mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
She says it is pronounced "Ledasha. The dash don't be silent."

Truth better than fiction! Extracted from my local paper. Funny if you are not the person involved. Condensed, and names changed to protect the innocent.

Judy started with home-made dog biscuits because of the cost of commercial ones....At first she gave them away to friends, now she sells them....She chops up real bacon and purees real liver for those biscuit flavors....Because the biscuits contain regular human food -- bananas, eggs, meats -- they are good for people to eat as well. Judy's husband John enjoyed all the flavors except liver....John died suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of February, and making Doggie Treets now helps Judy to fill the quiet times.

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the *censored* out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

If my priest had been like that, I'd probably still be a Catholic.

The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning.










They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked,

'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of
billion or trillion either.

I was at the mall the other day and a blind man was there with his seeing eye dog. I could not believe it, the dog lifted his leg and pis%ed on his owner's leg. Then the owner got out a doggie treat and gave it to the dog. I told the man after what the dog did , I would not reward him with a treat. He said I'm not giving him a treat, I'm just tring to figure out wich end is wich to give him a good kick in the a%s.

Morning Coffee in Rome
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


slim,


tall,


38" DD bust,


24" waist and


34" hips.










When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabbouleh

and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET
[b]
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!'

The Chinese estimate their population as being somewhere between 1.1 billion and 1.4 billion people. The United States estimates its population at 300 million. What we call "population", the Chinese call "rounding error".

Elk Sex




















Two rednecks are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!"

Well, the Church threw my cookies out of the bake sale, again.

THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs,
who agrees with everything I say.."



WELL HELLO !!!!!!

A friend recently showed me a picture of the newest campaign billboard. It had a smiling picture of our President with the year 2012 underneath. Next to it in rather large letters was the following:
DON'T RENIG