How about a joke thread?

Ghosts of Presidents Past....



One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barak asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barak isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play"

*INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES*

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

THIS JUST IN:

Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.

Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic.

In other news... we all remember when KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a
"Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering
the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and rear-ends.

Just keeping you up to date.

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.


The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Dr. asked for a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeeze-in' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open!"

The Lone Ranger was riding through the desert and was captured by Indians. The Indians told him they were going to sacrafice him to the rain gods for rain, but they gave him 3 wishes (one wish per day). The first day, he whispered something into his horses ear and the horse ran off and brought back a beautiful blonde. He took her in the tepee and spent the night with her. The second day he whispered something in the horeses ear and the horse runs off and brought back a beautiful red head. He took her in the tepee and spent the night with her. The third and final day, he walks up to the horse and this time he does not whisper.......

I SAID GET THE POSSIE!

A west Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows
and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business........

Now give me back my dog."

Now, that ain't funny!

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.' Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

Now that IS funny--you gotta love our nurses

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." And THAT, my friends, is what is called........."Putting Your Affairs In Order."

Baby's First doctor visit – A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Subject: They Sent My Census Form Back




In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?',

I put YES . . . . 'Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards, women who have five kids and have never, ever even looked for a job, most of the State of California, leftovers in Texas from Katrina, half of f&*%&* Mexico, some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a President that gives away my tax dollars to Middle East poppy growers and thugs and several South American dictatorships!'

................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she starts fitting in your wife's clothes!!

That just ain't right.