How about a joke thread?

Try this personality test to see which one is more stable, your spouse or your dog:

Lock both of them in your car trunk for an hour.
Open the trunk.
Which one is cheerful and happy to see you?

While thinking about golf. The President was recently golfing in Scotland where he proceeded to slice his ball to the left. He asked his Scottish caddy if he could notice what was causing this. The caddy told him he a big piece of *censored* on the end of his club. The President picked up his club and cleaned some dirt off the face.


The caddy then said no the other end!

The only cow in a small town in Colorado stopped giving milk. The people did some
research and found they could buy a cow in Maine for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Maine and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all
of the time and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the veterinarian, who was very wise,
what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach
from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Maine?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the
cow.
"You are truly a wise vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Maine?
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Maine.

NOW THIS IS FUNNY - I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3., People are spitting on the wrong side.

Poconoeagle wrote:The only cow in a small town in Colorado stopped giving milk. The people did some
research and found they could buy a cow in Maine for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Maine and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all
of the time and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the veterinarian, who was very wise,
what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach
from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Maine?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the
cow.
"You are truly a wise vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Maine?
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Maine.

Good one Gene!!!

Mine too..........now I understand!!! Thanks for the insight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Fri, January 18,, 2012

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Realty opportunity

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/201 ... 484185.jpg

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continues, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official then replied, "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could impove system like that."

Funny, but it hurts too.

Please take this for what it is, a JOKE!!


"Sumbitch"

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, though, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering around a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, but politely cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that that was Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep, Sure did."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "It was a turble mess, so I right quick done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Then you mean President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies..."

Got this as a text message last week.


One day a Kindergarden teacher in Detroit asked her class "Who can someone tell me what sound a pig makes?"

Little Tyrone yelled out "FREEZE *censored*!!"

I guess they don't have many farms in Detroit.