How about a joke thread?

I mowed the lawn today and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would really like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case...Time for another beer!




Rick

[quote="coaledsweat"]Note: keep the jokes in this thread clean. If you want to post dirty jokes use this thread in the non-pubnic forum:
http://nepacrossroads.com/viewtopic.php?p=26551#p26551
Admin

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ummm... we have a non public forum I think someone forgot to add me

Flame Suit Central - your free to enter on your own ....... if you dare .....

The East Coast Earthquake
0
The Weather Channel says the recent earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. Scientist have just named it 'Obama's Fault'.

Some think it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves!

Obama says it's really Bush's Fault.


-Breaking News: Seismologists have confirmed that it WAS an earthquake and NOT the 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing on the East Coast....

Happy Valentines Day!
0
Came home from fishing today. The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay with my Mother!!!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

Sweet Tea
0
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "I'm not really surprised. You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

British warship
0
A British warship was sailing along the coast on patrol against rouge pirates when the forward observer shouted down, "Captain, there's a very large pirate ship bearing down fast upon us!"

The Captain turned to his young Lieutenant and ordered, "fetch me my red shirt"

The Lieutenant complied and a hard battle was fought with the British destroying the larger pirate ship. Afterward, the young Lieutenant turned to his Captain and asked him why he had requested and worn a red shirt into battle to which the Captain replied, "son, had I been injured in battle, I did not want the men to see me bleed". The young Lieutenant thought to himself what a brave Captain he was sailing with and how he was proud to serve under such a great leader. This patrol continued throughout the summer and always the same happened with the British ship protecting the coast from the occasional pirate ship.

Then one day the forward observer yelled down with even greater urgency than normal, "Captain, there are 12 large pirate ships bearing down on us hard!" The young Lieutenant turned to his Captain and asked, "Captain, do you want me to fetch your red shirt???"

The Captain replied, "no son, fetch me my brown pants!"

If beer nuts are $1.25 then how much are deer nuts.......under a buck

Baseball...................

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in
the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One
of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the
president.

Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent,
and shakes his head. The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a
request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the
fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my
poll numbers". He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of
her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field

She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild;
cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and
leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never
believed that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks
what was wrong.

The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!

When is a man the smartest?......when he's having sex cause he"s plugged into a know-it-all.

Rick 386 wrote:Baseball...................

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in
the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One
of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the
president.

Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent,
and shakes his head. The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a
request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the
fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my
poll numbers". He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of
her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field

She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild;
cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and
leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never
believed that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks
what was wrong.

The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!

Yesterday my tl300 started making a whistling noise and it got very loud so I called my dealer to see what it was. He ran down a list with me and discovered that there was a bad gasket on the burn chamber ( already ) . So he called harman for the gasket who in turn called me to ask about the stove and what do you know I voided the warrenty by taking the back heat shield off. The dealer said it would not void the warrenty I made very sure of this. Now my dealer will not call back and harman wants 129 dollars for a gasket they installed wrong at the factory ! When I called again and got someone else they said there wasn't any record of my stove being sold except I registered it and have the receipts but they won't work because the dealer didn't report the sale This does not add up you can't make a stove disappear excpecially a high end stove. I know for a fact I did not void the warrenty but know one is willing to budge for a stupid gasket and I will not pay for there mistake. Has anyone got experiance at Harman customer service that can steer me in the right direction?

Here's the Joke part... "NO, their is no customer service dept."

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
Family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No *censored*?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A
Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

=

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Wisconsin and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Cadillac's and voted for Obama."

A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL CONVERSATION:

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised!!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?