How About a Joke Thread?

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Tue May 24, 2016 9:03 pm

Special Order

A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”

“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.

“But I want it my way,” says the man.

“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.

The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says. “I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”

“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.

“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
SWPaDon
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: davidmcbeth3 On: Wed May 25, 2016 2:09 am

SWPaDon wrote:Special Order

A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”

“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.

“But I want it my way,” says the man.

“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.

The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says. “I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”

“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.

“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.


"That's so old, I forgot to laugh, Todd"
davidmcbeth3
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: rberq On: Wed May 25, 2016 11:16 am

davidmcbeth3 wrote:"That's so old, I forgot to laugh, Todd"

I'm old enough I will forget the joke. He can tell it again tomorrow and I'll laugh again. :cry:
rberq
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Mon Jun 06, 2016 3:41 pm

Robbery

An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said “Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me.”

The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman’s handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and made love.

In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said “Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I’m expecting my wife to arrive any minute.”
SWPaDon
 
Hand Fed Coal Furnace: Clayton 1600M
Coal Size/Type: Bituminous
Other Heating: Oil furnace

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Mon Jun 06, 2016 3:43 pm

Motherly Advice

One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, “I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman.”

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, “Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.”
SWPaDon
 
Hand Fed Coal Furnace: Clayton 1600M
Coal Size/Type: Bituminous
Other Heating: Oil furnace

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: Yanche On: Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:11 pm

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Yanche
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:09 pm

:up: :clap: toothy
SWPaDon
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Sat Jun 18, 2016 11:27 am

Good Sportsmanship

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

“Yes, coach”, replied the boy.

“Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?”

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?”

“No, coach.”

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother.”
SWPaDon
 
Hand Fed Coal Furnace: Clayton 1600M
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Sun Jul 10, 2016 2:16 pm

Dark Tunnel

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it’s completely dark.

Then there’s this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The manager is thinking, “My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

The woman is thinking, “The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it.”

And the assistant is thinking, “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!”
SWPaDon
 
Hand Fed Coal Furnace: Clayton 1600M
Coal Size/Type: Bituminous
Other Heating: Oil furnace

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: grumpy On: Sun Jul 10, 2016 2:26 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
grumpy
 

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: waldo lemieux On: Sun Jul 10, 2016 3:01 pm

The owner of the local hardware/general store needed help and put a sign in the front window. That afternoon a goofy lookin guy came in and asked for the job. The manager had doubts but said "come back tomorrow morning and we'll give it a try. Next morning the dufus was there right on time , the manager showed him how to run the register and left for the day. Next morning he came in early to see how the guy had done. Well to his amazement the guy sold almost 80k worth of stuff. The new guy explained he first sold the guy a fishing rod.Says dufus, " so then I told him he'd need some tackle and a tackle box.... and then of course he was gonna need a net cause after all this was good tackle. Then I sold him some hip boots and just mentioned that if the fish werent close to shore he might want to consider a boat. Well, he went for the boat so 'course I sold him a trailer.... Well don't ya know I looked out and the guy was driving a tiny car so I says , yer gonna need something to tow that boat and trailer so how about that jeep over there?" Omg says the manager you sold him that old piece of junk? I cant believe you, a guy comes in here to buy a fishing pole and you sell him 80k worth of stuff including that old jeep... Dufus says " oh no , no , no ...He didnt come in here lookig for a fishing pole , he came in looking for Tampons and I told him, "geez you and gonna be doin much this weekend , you might as well go fishin'!!
waldo lemieux
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: rberq On: Sat Jul 16, 2016 1:58 pm

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked my why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
rberq
 
Hand Fed Coal Stove: DS Machine 1300 with hopper
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Other Heating: Oil hot water radiators, propane

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: Rick 386 On: Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:50 am

So it seems like there was a Black Lives Matter protest the other day in Montana:

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Rick 386
 
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: johnjoseph On: Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:07 am

Good show Rick! :up:
johnjoseph
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Keystoker KA-6
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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostBy: SWPaDon On: Tue Jul 26, 2016 4:11 pm

A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. He wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, “Of course not!”

Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”

The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
SWPaDon
 
Hand Fed Coal Furnace: Clayton 1600M
Coal Size/Type: Bituminous
Other Heating: Oil furnace