How about a joke thread?

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Devil5052 wrote:Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Hell, if coal gets too expensive, I think I could heat our home with menopause!!!!

coalkirk wrote:

Devil5052 wrote:Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Hell, if coal gets too expensive, I think I could heat our home with menopause!!!!

Just watch out for flying objects and the occasional ax.

That's why I bought the Jotul to put in my shop. I've got everything in there I need to survive but a bed. Maybe I could just string a hammock up.

anybody need some blocks?

i still haven't decided who to vote for yet.

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the
loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back
20% of the tips, with the lap dances and other 'special services'.


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a
golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?
Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work....
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?......A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *censored*?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $ 60.00
Court Costs $ 150.00
Look on the Cop's Face.......
PRICELESS

Three men and a Genie

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Marine are all walking together one day. They come
across a lantern ....

And a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada '

POOF! With th e blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around
Afghanistan , Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall.' The Genie explains,
'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely
surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says,
'Fill it with water.'

MEXICAN HURRICANE

A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots . Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.

The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones. God bless America !!!!

Good one Mike! (& so true!)

Medicare Coverage in a Nutshell


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!

What is it?

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating A s s h o l e!!"

Q:What does one see when the Pillsbury Dough-Boy bends over?? A: Dough nuts

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in
her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan
she was
taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried
the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the
full bedpan back to her car.



As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.