How about a joke thread?

U.K. News

A terrible mistake,

It seems the Polish Army attacked the Westminister dog show and killed all the Afghan's!

BK

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. Michael inquired, 'God, Where have you been?'

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.' Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.'

God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

'That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled as he said: 'There is another Washington, on the other coast. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.'

(very fitting considering all the other G&O Topic Posts lately)

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HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk...
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving...
I can't explain his behavior

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent..

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep ? I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else..
My life is a disaster.
????????????????????????????..

HIS DIARY:

Bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium...an element that saps just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9.5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
such as


* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1.


Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.


* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



-------------------------------------------
DEAR DESPERATE,


First, keep in mind,
* 20 Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.


Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 an d Flowers 3.5.


However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
**** Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will20download
the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta.


Whatever you do, DO NOT under any ci rcumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.) Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9.5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
such as


* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1.


Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.


* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



-------------------------------------------
DEAR DESPERATE,


First, keep in mind,
* 20 Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.


Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 an d Flowers 3.5.


However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
**** Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will20download
the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta.


Whatever you do, DO NOT under any ci rcumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.


In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.



In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.


In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Not sure if this is acceptable on this site. If not one of the mods or admin can delete it.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for > the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.'

true dat

Left this message for my wife the other day. I don't know why she was so unappreciative.

I don't know if this one has been posted yet, but It's a good one!

Bob, THE MAN!


Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

i put an ad on craigslist for a fishing buddy. were catching all kinds of bass , nice pair huh.

Seen on another site (heavy machinery)


A woman from Austin, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased
> several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis, Texas. There was
> a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to
> view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.
> As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her!
> In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
> as a result, incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In
> considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away.
> She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she
> came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story
> with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room
> and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and
> waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
> The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
> He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental
> Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife and Keep Texas Beautiful before
> I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry,
> but they turned me down.'
> !! GOD BLESS TEXAS !!

just our brave men and women in harms way trying to have a little fun. first we have the Air Force.