How about a joke thread?

How about a joke thread?

PostBy: coaledsweat On: Tue Mar 13, 2007 9:03 pm

Note: keep the jokes in this thread clean.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does anybody know any coal jokes?

My first offer:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
coaledsweat
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Axeman Anderson 260M
Coal Size/Type: Pea

PostBy: bksaun On: Tue Mar 13, 2007 10:46 pm

That does not sound like a joke to me. Sounds like a typical lawyer!

A Yankee lawyer at that!

BK
bksaun
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Hybrid, Gentleman Janitor GJ-6RSU/ EFM 700
Hand Fed Coal Stove: Hitzer 503
Coal Size/Type: Pea Stoker/Bit, Pea or Nut Anthracite
Stove/Furnace Make: Hitzer/ EFM-Gentleman Janitor
Stove/Furnace Model: 503 Insert/ 700/GJ-62

PostBy: coal berner On: Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:24 pm

EASY WITH THE YANKEE STUFF JONNY REB :evil:
coal berner
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: 1986 Electric Furnace Man 520 DF
Stove/Furnace Make: Electric Furnace Man
Stove/Furnace Model: DF520

PostBy: JerseyCoal On: Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:50 pm

Q.: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying to you?

A.: His lips are moving.

===================

Q.: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 25?

A.: "Your Honor".
JerseyCoal
 
Hand Fed Coal Stove: Franco Belge model 10.1475

PostBy: LsFarm On: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:24 pm

SHOPPING WITH A BORED HUSBAND

Letter:

Mrs. White, our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list
of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance
cameras.


MEMO

Re: Mr. White- Complaints - 15 Things Mr. White has done while
his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: During a loud speaker announcement, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
LsFarm
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Axeman Anderson 260
Hand Fed Coal Boiler: Self-built 'Big Bertha' SS Boiler
Baseburners & Antiques: Keystone 11, Art Garland

PostBy: Yanche On: Wed Mar 14, 2007 11:12 pm

On January 21, 2007, after 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:
Attachments
Marriage_Symbol.jpg
(13.06 KiB) Viewed 88 times
View: New PagePopup • Select:BBCode
[nepathumb]850[/nepathumb]
Yanche
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Alternate Heating Systems S-130
Coal Size/Type: Anthracite Pea

PostBy: LsFarm On: Thu Mar 15, 2007 9:41 pm

Yanche's sign gets my vote for best so far.

More to follow:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Keep reading

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Keep Reading

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Keep Reading

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Keep Reading

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

Keep Reading

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Keep Reading

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Keep Reading

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Keep Reading

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' "

One More

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
LsFarm
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Axeman Anderson 260
Hand Fed Coal Boiler: Self-built 'Big Bertha' SS Boiler
Baseburners & Antiques: Keystone 11, Art Garland

PostBy: coaledsweat On: Fri Mar 16, 2007 9:33 am

Maybe this should have gone in the French thread?

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the
war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness
and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!
coaledsweat
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Axeman Anderson 260M
Coal Size/Type: Pea

PostBy: dll On: Fri Mar 16, 2007 11:51 am

As many of you may know the late Pope John Paul was one of the most popular Popes of modern times. He was also Polish and at the time he was elected Pope he had just turned 60 years old. One of the cardinals that elected John Paul was asked, “Why did the Cardinals elect a 60 year old Pollock to be the Pope?”. The cardinals answer was, “Because we wanted one just out of school”.
dll
 

PostBy: Islander On: Sat Mar 17, 2007 5:52 pm

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else. Hhe leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Islander
 

PostBy: Richard S. On: Sat Apr 14, 2007 7:08 am

The Dogs Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped it's headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of
assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to "allergies".
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he is
reporting my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now......
Richard S.
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Van Wert VA1200
Coal Size/Type: Buckwheat/Anthracite

PostBy: coaledsweat On: Mon Apr 16, 2007 4:55 pm

Found this on another forum.

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other
and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She
replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know
exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic
gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
"is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its
right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
coaledsweat
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Axeman Anderson 260M
Coal Size/Type: Pea

PostBy: Yanche On: Mon May 07, 2007 9:28 am

Greg, this is for you. Hope some of them are new to you.

Airplane Pilot Radio Conversations

----------

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'

Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

----------

Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'

TWA 2341: 'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'

Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

----------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'

Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'

Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing ! bored, not f...ing stupid!'

----------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,

three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329: “Approach, I've always wanted to say this... ‘I've got the
little Fokker in sight.' “

----------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the

aircraft on radar, ATC asked: 'What was your last known position?'

Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

----------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you

are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and

return to the airport.'

----------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his

single-engine jet fighter was running 'a bit peaked'.

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one

engine shut down.

'Ah,' the fighter pilot remarked, 'The dreaded seven-engine approach.'

----------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'

Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'

Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak

English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody

war!'

----------

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'

Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we

saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'

Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency

124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'

BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...

we've already notified our caterers.'

----------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway

while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little

plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for

another one.'

----------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not

only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any

assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between

Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'

Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway

and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'

Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'

Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land.'

----------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.

Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where

the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on

Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and

D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now

you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and

don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an

hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You

got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal

bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her

current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I

married to you once?'
Yanche
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Alternate Heating Systems S-130
Coal Size/Type: Anthracite Pea

PostBy: LsFarm On: Mon May 07, 2007 3:38 pm

My favorite one is about being 'f**king bored'. Regular occurance with long departure delays departing JFK.

The ones reletive to Germany hit home too, I flew exclusively in and out of Stutgartt for over three years.

Thanks Yanche, had several good laughs.

Greg L

.
LsFarm
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Axeman Anderson 260
Hand Fed Coal Boiler: Self-built 'Big Bertha' SS Boiler
Baseburners & Antiques: Keystone 11, Art Garland

PostBy: Yanche On: Sat Jun 16, 2007 9:34 am

One of the great technical jokes, An Oldie but Goodie

The following is supposedly an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Yanche
 
Stoker Coal Boiler: Alternate Heating Systems S-130
Coal Size/Type: Anthracite Pea