Matt, is this thing near a river? One might wonder what slithers up from down south of you guys!!!!! I have no words of encouragement, but this situation reminds me of the 'Pulp Fiction' scenes about: "What just happened here ain't natural!!!"
If you EVEN suspect there is a facial harness and a couple shiny red balls, I'd make off like a Cruise Missile! It AIN'T right from where I'm sitting. I may be down there about the time you have to make that call, so perhaps we can 'visit' this gentleman together.
My first guess is that he was a 'bean counter' in a previous life, because we have a few just like this right here on the forum!
He makes a 'Skim Milk Yankee' look like a philanthropist!!!!! Ask Smitty or Rob just how cheap those guys are. They are like the 105 year old guy who drives a Model T and has had 42 exhaust systems 'on the house' from Midas.