Condensed Version of History

Condensed Version of History

PostBy: Ed.A On: Sun Mar 02, 2008 12:58 pm

For those who slept through World History 101…… here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added, of course), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history…….
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals…just to make them Angry.

Have a great day!

Author: Unknown
Ed.A
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: Wood'nCoal On: Sun Mar 02, 2008 1:18 pm

Thanks for the laugh! :D
Wood'nCoal
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: coalkirk On: Sun Mar 02, 2008 2:00 pm

PRICELSSS! And based in truth. I loved it.
coalkirk
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: LsFarm On: Sun Mar 02, 2008 8:25 pm

:lol: :lol: :D :D :) :) :shock: :!: :lol: :lol:

Thanks, that is definitely a 'copy and paste' and send on to many on my mailing list.

Greg L
LsFarm
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: BugsyR On: Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:30 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: My monday just improved!! That was a good read! :lol: :lol: :lol:
BugsyR
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: Scottscoaled On: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:36 pm

That sounded like a good old liberal butt spanking! Thanks for the laugh :clap: :clap: :clap:
Scottscoaled
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: stockingfull On: Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:48 am

"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them." -- Mark Twain

"Men are conservatives when they are least vigorous, or when they are most luxurious. They are conservatives after dinner." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy." -- Benjamin Disraeli

"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt, October 16, 1939

"The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
stockingfull
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: coalkirk On: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:20 am

I'm not a brain surgeon but this diagram seems to be missing the illogical processing center. :D
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coalkirk
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: spc On: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:16 am

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."
-- Thomas Jefferson
spc
 
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Re: Condensed Version of History

PostBy: pbmax On: Thu Mar 06, 2008 10:46 pm

According to AdamBrodsky

http://www.adambrodsky.com/index.php?pa ... olk_Remedy
I have the mp3 if you'd like to listen to it. I own the album and do not condone stealing his music, but if you'd like to sample the wares I'd be happy to share.
pb

----------------------
All
from the album Folk Remedy

About 45 minutes 'fore the dawn of time
We crawled out of the primordial slime
Outgrew our scales grew out our legs
Hatched ourselves from the dinosaur eggs
Livin large like a stegosaur
Didn't see the meteor
Mammals meant as something that T-Rex ate
Grew thumbs and a bipedal gait
When homo habilis invented the stone tools
Made the other animals look like stone fools
Manifest destiny was our fate
So we all shacked up in the city states
The world was ready for Jesus Christ
When he come everybody said Jesus Christ

The middle ages sure did bite
Lessin you count the invention of moveable type

Everybody's sick and tired of waiting
For the Renaissance so they could start painting
Industrial revolution
Caused industrial pollution
Marx tried to set the worker's free
While Europe downsized its monarchy
Like the arch-duke Ferdinand started the great war
I aint never seen so much gore
War to end all wars, guess that's true
Lessin you count Hitler and World War II
Hippies tried to change the world
But they were way too stoned and they dressed like girls
Welcome to the information age
This song's got its own web page
pbmax
 
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