Mine's not a bike tale and won't compare to Ken's but here goes.
It was summer 1974. I was in the army. We were going on our annual operational readiness training test so we were all jumping heavy (full combat gear, 700' altitude). I was one of four per plane jumping equipment bags. Radio, crypto gear, spare batteries, parts plus my personal equipment. It weighed about 80 lb. I always volunteered for it because I got door position. Nothing like standing in the open door of a C130 while in flight. These things were tethered to the chute harness and strapped to the left leg to exit the aircraft. At 150' we released them so they dangled under us.
The jump was scheduled for something like 2 AM. Winds were gusting over 25 knots but we went anyway. (Never did figure out what idiot made those decisions) As we were taking off I went to put my elastic glass strap on. I forgot it so I put my glasses in my calf pocket for safe keeping. Now not only is it dark I don't have my glasses on, so I can't see *censored*.
The light turns green, I'm out the door, full chute opening, life is good. As I got closer to the ground I could tell my direction. I was hauling ass to my rear, not a good thing. Nothing worse than a feet, ass, head landing. I start slipping the chute to head into the wind. I finally looked down to check my altitude, what I thought were treetops were bushes. I never cut the bag away. I hit like a ton of *censored*. Another guy collapsed my chute for me while I was trying to figure out what the hell happened. So there was something worse than feet, ass, head after all and I just executed it beautifully.
I told my NCO what happened. He laughed and told me what a dumb ass I was. That morning the inside of my leg from crotch to ankle is black. He said show me so I dropped my drawers. He tried to send me to the medics but I wasn't having any of that *censored*. We're in the middle of a test. So we argued for a while.
I ran the radio net for Bn HQ so you couldn't spit without hitting an officer. Next thing I know the BN executive officer wants to know what the [email protected]
is the commotion in his AO. My NCO told him. Officer says show me. I drop my drawers for the second time that night for a guy. Next thing out of his mouth was something like boy, get to the f#%^n medic now or I'll drag you myself. Medics sent me to Womack hospital. I had vascular surgery, a week's stay in the hospital and 30 day medical leave.