Your Best Stories

I'm Irish so I have a million long winded stories but here is my favorite that is repeated often.

12 years ago I got engaged to a wonderful girl this was my second time around and I wanted to do it right this time. The first time I was very young (under 21) so I couldn't have the traditional Bachelor Party. This time I told my Best Man who is my Best Friend to pull out all the stops. Well the night started out at a local bar where the beer and shots were flowing. I used to be able to keep up but the older I get the more I drink for enjoyment and not to get totally wrecked. So anyway everyone is getting warmed up and the designated drivers showed up so it was time to hit the road to watch the Ladies with no clothes swing around on the flag pole with no flag on it. When we got to the cars my Best Man starts dividing up all the beer into coolers for each car. I don't think there was much room for the ice but I was pretty shaky by then. So we all pile into the cars and an hour later with the coolers a lot lighter than when we left we arrive at the "Gentlemens Club" as you know not many people behave like gentlemen there. I notice when naked women are dancing in front of you there is a tendency to drink a little heavier. There was lots of booty waving etc... going on and of course all the Bachelors get called on the stage to be publicly humiliated. All those crude comments that strippers hear everyday well they pay it back to the Bachelors on stage and it is not as fun as it looks to you guys that are watching us. After some good natured laughs at my expense and the club was ready to close we stumbled to the cars for the trip home. I did notice the strippers drove away in BMWs and Mercedes as we drove away in Fords and Chevy's those ones and fives add up I guess. Anyway we had to stop and refill the coolers because it was determined being totally sloppy drunk was not enough. I think the plan was to drink until some one vomited but I never confirmed it. An hour ride home and many beers later we met the girls at the same local bar we started from they told us with mischevious smiles that they had a swell time at the bachelorette party. It was obvious they were feeling no pain just like us. We all had a few more beers and closing time came around and we got shuffled out the door by the weary bartender. Our Designated Driver took me, my fiance, my brother and my best man to my house because there was more beer there. We didn't need it but you know how that goes why stop when you're having fun. When we got home we all opened a beer after a few sips we all kind of said yep thats enough. My Fiance and I went to bed my best man took the couch. Next thing I remember the sun is hurting my eyes and the birds are making too much noise for my throbbing head. My fiance woke up and was in the same shape so we stayed in bed with no plans of moving ever again. Thats when we heard the door open and close. My fiance said Jack must have woke and is walking home go get him and we can give him a ride. I tried to rush to the door but couldn't manage more than a shuffle when I met my friend at the steps who was giggling like a little kid. I said whats up we thought you were walking home. He said no I just got here. I was puzzled until he explained. Sometime during the night he thought it would be a good idea to not use my toilet but go outside and water my tree in the backyard. When he finished up he came back in and crashed on the couch again. The sun woke him too so he got up and went to the refrigerator for some water. He had some water and made himself a cheese sandwich when he realized he was in the wrong house!!! He quickly snuck out into the daylight and realized he went to the neighbors house after he relieved himself on my Oak tree. I didn't beleive him but he described the inside of the my neighbors house exactly as it is. We still laugh about this story and if you knew my friend and the neighbors it is even funnier because they are all characters.

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It was a dark night and the last night of 8 day canoe trip, we were all sitting around the fire doing what we always do... drinking beer <coughsincenooncough>. Off in the distance the sky exploded in light, a large ball of fire crossed the sky at tremendous speed and instead of dying out it intensified as it went. The object quickly disappeared over the tree line. UFO? nah... couldn't be... Plane? nah... couldn't be ... I looked at my beer.... nah, couldn't be. I looked at my friends, they looked back with same blank stare... I put my beer down and went to bed.

True story, turns out it was huge meteor seen across a lot of Pennsylvania and New York. It was massive at least from my perspective, amazing site I'd imagine a lot of people will never see.

Here's video, exact same thing but it's not the one I saw:

Richard, What year was that? I saw one some time ago, might have been that one

Late August in 97? Could possibly even been one of the first couple of Days in Sept. I'd have to go back and look for exact date. It was widely reported in newspapers and pretty big news locally.

A Christmas Story

The year was about 1952, and I was heading in my car for the parking lot at the old Worlds Fair grounds, to take the subway into Manhattan. At the parkway exit there was a long line of cars waiting to make the left turn into the parking lot. Shea Stadium was subsequently built there. I had been making this trip for a few weeks and waiting in that line of cars was another annoyance of NYC life. A bright spot though was the traffic cop at the head of the line who really sped things up in what must have been the worst spot in the precinct; right on Flushing Bay where the wind whistled in off the bay. It was cold! The cop himself was big and burly with gray hair and wore the long overcoat that NYC police wore at that time as well as a muffler as high as he could get it with just his cold reddened nose showing.

If you have ever waited in a line of traffic you know how annoying it can be when self proclaimed very important people jump the line and go to the head of the line and cut in again. This cop had a cure for that. He would wave them to a spot behind him and let them wait there for a half hour or so until traffic thinned and then let them go. No tickets, just a long wait. Each day I would see 7 or 8 cars waiting like this and was grateful for the sight to see the chiselers get their comeuppance.

Today was the last day before Christmas and I guess a lot of other people felt the same gratitude I felt about that cop because when he came into sight he was surrounded hip deep with boxes of presents and I could see others handing envelopes as well. It made my day.

So here we are, it's 1997 .... I'm working a *censored* job doing industrial roofing, getting paid squat, & to top it off, I have a girlfriend of questionable repute. ....

So my buddy invites me to his bachelor party ... now my first thought is "SWEET!! COCAINE & STRIPPERS!! WOOHOO!!" but sadly no .... it was a day of skiing ... not across a mirror in July, but actually in snow ... with 2 pieces of overpriced wood across your feet. But my girlfriend had the same first thought .... and told me in no uncertain terms, NO WAY! NO PARTY!

So I tell my buddy .. "I'm gonna tell the wench that we're working .... so I'll meet you at the shop". The perfect plan ........

So now, bear in mind I had no license at the time .... I suppose because the state of MA was unable to extort the proper FEEEEEEES from me ..... but I digress ...

Now, she's driving my Merc. & we pull into the shop ... after I just got done telling her the whole event was cancelled due to an unexpected job that came up ..... and there sits ..... SIX VEHICLES WITH 2 PAIRS OF SKIS EACH, on the roof, IN THE PARKING LOT!!! Just as my GF was peaking, I opened the door & bailed!! I ran toward the building as I heard my Marquis rev to about 6 grand, accompanied by squealing tires & hellacious smoke, & dove into the building as my co-workers laughed their asses off, & my GF was hurling obscenities at the top of her lungs at me!!
AHHH, the good ol days! We skii'ed all day ... I had a blast .... and my pager didn't stop going off untiI I removed the batteries during a high-speed trip down the triple-black-diamond trail!!

But wait! I'm not done!

SO I get back to my apartment after having the best time I had had in years ....... and there is my girlfriend at the top of the stairs ... with a STEAK KNIFE ...

pathetically sawing away at her WRISTS!!!! At this point, I had had enough of this woman ... so I called the cops. They showed up in the blink of an eye .... and proceeded to take her to the 7th floor of U Mass Medical center for psychiatric evaluation!! Have fun!!!

What a relief that was ....

I didn't have a license at the time , so she would hold that over my head ... threatening to call the cops on me & tell them that I was driving .... or smash her face into the sink & say I beat her up!!!
Yeah .... MA girls are reaaaaaal stable! Come on down boys!!

My family says, if I write a book about my life, it'd be a best-seller & I'd be a millionaire!!

Holy Sh*%!T!!!! That's quite a story!

SMITTY wrote:MA girls are reaaaaaal stable! Come on down boys!!

I think I'll stay up north brother!

Your a wise man!!

I'm at the end of a long hot weekend at the river, one of them almost 90 degree Pennsylvanian weekends with like 6000000000% humidity. Shorts, sandals and nothing else wishing I could take that off. The usual routine on a Sunday was stick around until noon, maybe drink a few beers and head home. The beer was either out or I didn't feel like drinking which is a GOOD thing.

So I decide to take a jump in the river before heading home to cool off a bit, after getting out I realize my wallet was in my pocket.... or I should say had my wallet in pocket. I have been able to find things in the past that have fallen into the river but the problem is the water is usually hard to see through once it gets about 2 feet deep, you have to feel around and after about an hour of feeling around I came up empty and decided to give it up. Luckily for me I was still "poor" and only lost a few bucks, license and some other minor things. No big loss, just a big inconvenience.

I pack the canoe into the old green Ford, it's like 14 foot canoe so it's sticking out the back a considerable amount. Throw the 2 or 3 bags of empty beer cans in the canoe because it was my turn to take the crap home, also included was the usual suspects of various empty bottles of liquor. SoCo, JD, Tequlia etc. So I'm heading down RT.6 and get just by Rt. 87 and a Statey pulls up behind me. Not looking good but at least I wasn't drinking..... he eases into the passing lane as if he's going to pass and I think to myself "Yes!" BUT all he does is pull up alongside of me to look at canoe then gets back behind me. At this point I know I'm getting yanked which he does up around where "The Pink Apple" is.

Statey: Drivers License?
Me: Nope... I proceed to tell him what happened.

Statey: You lost your whole wallet?
Me: Yep.

I'm sure he has heard the same thing before and I know he's thinking this doesn't look right especially considering I have enough empty aluminum cans and bottles to start my own bottling factory.

Statey: Your Truck?
Me: Nope

The truck at that point belonged to my Uncle. All this time my dog is sitting in the passenger seat giving the Statey a nice smile letting him know her feelings about getting pulled over. Very nice dog but instincts took over when she was in a confined space like that and would get very aggressive towards anyone trying to invade a space like that especially if I was there with her. So I get the Reg. and Isn. and go to hand it to him and she decides that hand coming in to window looks like nice tasty treat and lunges at it.... Fortunately I was able to grab her so that was one problem avoided, I'm sure he wouldn't have been happy if he was bleeding.

So he has Reg. and Ins., I give him my name rank and serial number and gives me the "I'll be right back".... He does his thing in the car, I think at that point they might have had computers as it was just recently they switched to computer licenses with photo so there is good chance he had my picture right there on the screen. In any event when he gets back he's apparently convinced I am who I same I am and have... or had valid license.

He ask me to step out of the truck... back to the canoe... arghhhh. He takes me around back and proceeds to explain you cannot have anything sticking out of a truck more than 2 feet and that includes if it has flag or not. I had no flag but this was big red Coleman canoe so not exactly hard to miss.

So against my better judgment I tell him I'll strap it to roof which is what I usually do but I didn't have enough sufficient straps which is why it wasn't there to begin with.

Statey: "You have enough straps?"
Me: "Oh yea, I have plenty. "



So out come the beer cans, and numerous bottles. Coleman canoes aren't exactly heavy but certainly awkward for one person. He sees me struggling with it and being the good officer he is decides to GIVE ME A HAND! Now keep in mind it's almost 90 out, middle of the afternoon. I'm only in shorts and was breaking a decent sweat messing with this thing. So we get the canoe up on the roof, I get the straps out and it's quite obvious this is not safe.

Statey in highly uncertain tone: "You think that's good enough?"
Me lying through my teeth: "Uh yea sure, I strap it up like that all the time."

I do have the intentions of getting off the roof ASAP as soon as he is not around. The Statey ponders it for while

Statey: "You can't leave that there like that, take it down."



So we proceed to take the canoe off and put it back where it was, back go the bottles and cans into the canoe. At this point the sweat is pouring down his face and he's turning a little red. He gives me the obligatory speech about safety and making sure I get a new license, he tells me if I get pulled over someone is going to give me ticket. Then he jumps in his car and takes off probably wishing he had just stayed in bed that morning. No ticket, no warning, no nothing.

You always hear the bad stories but I'll have to admit that was most reasonable officer of the law I ever had to deal with. Even if he wrote me ticket at that point I don't think I could have blamed him.

You got good cops out there! In MA, automatic $35 ticket for not having license in possession (that was in 1992) .... It's probably over $100 by now, no doubt! Not to mention what would have happened with a canoe sticking out .... AND empties??? Probably a trip to jail to top the day off!

I recall watching an AZ state trooper shoveling coal ashes onto the gridlocked highway with the DPW in the middle of a raging blizard on I-40. I & my MA buddy were shocked. They don't get out of the car here when it snows! No offence to law enforcement ... but MA is a world unto it's own ...

Not my story but a good one my friend told me. His father was foreman for a big construction company and they were working at a school in the pool. They had erected scaffolding to do the ceiling so you can imagine it was a significant amount of scaffolding. He had asked the electrician to install a few lights and got a reply "Do you know how much one of these lights cost?".... They finished what they needed to do and when the work was completed worked overtime through the night to tear the scaffolding down. When he saw the electrician the next day he asked him "How much do one of those lights cost now?" ROFL