Civil War begins at Gettysburg!
War correspondent Dann757 here, overlooking the historic site.
The battle began today at 0800 hrs.
The liberal forces began a charge from the left flank across hidden paths in their minefield, strategically placed banana peels. The first oncoming wave of gay men; armed with vibrating sex toys, and courageously waving the rainbow flag, were cut down by the opposing minefields of surplus claymore mines. Ohh that’s gotta sting.
The American civilian forces held their ground on the right, with American flags waving.
The second charge by the liberal army, headed by Joy Behar, launched a massive volley of organic tofu grenades with free trade macramé slings; to no effect. The Americans were out of range, ordered not to fire, “Until you see the pinks of their eyes.”
An immediate and courageous third wave was launched, led by General Oprah on a gyro scooter, and field marshal Sean Penn. A fearsome volley of imported Chinese light blue Hello Kitty Frisbees was hurled at the opposing forces. Claims that the Frisbees were smeared with deadly margarine remain unsubstantiated. Minor injuries were inflicted as some of the frisbees bounced off the Kevlar body armor of the loyalist American troops.
The courage of the liberal army was apparent, as a resounding chorus of “We Are The World, We Are The Children” echoed across the battlefield. A moral decision was made by high-ranking leader Bill Maher, not to use lawn Jarts in the conflict, “Ohh c’mon, they could put somebody’s eye out!”
A fourth wave of OWS protesters had been organized to throw feces and urine bombs, but they could not be motivated to exert themselves.
On the right flank, General Gary Sinese, despite being armed with LARS rockets, bazookas, several M1-Abrams tanks, and Apache attack helicopters, ordered an initial volley of bottle rockets to be launched at the liberal army.
The liberal army scattered, presumably running for the safety of San Francisco. Cries of “Run Bruce, run!” and “Thtop it, you’re frightening uth!” could be heard receding into the distance.
The Emperor could not be reached for comment, as he was on a surfing vacation on his now private Hawaiian Islands.